Control Freak

Obviously I have NOT received the kick in the pants, the motivation, the desire, the oopmh, the get up and go to make a change.

Change is hard.
Change sucks.
I hate change.
The only thing that is constant in life is change.

Okay already. I hate it.

I'm a bit of a control freak - in the worst sense. I'm an addicted control freak. I don't want to change my hair color or my hair style, I want to change the things I can't control. The lives of others, the emotions of others, the desires of others, the amount of time I'm given, what people think of me, the limits placed on me, the control of control. I feel if I detach - people think I don't care. SO! Yeah, that is easier said than done. I've been often accused of being detached and uncaring and that isn't the case.

The point is...I care TOO much. I care what you say, I care what you think, I care what you perceive, I care how I look to you. I care so much about everyone else that I loathe myself. I loathe myself for needing a break. A break from what? What do you do anyway? I feel guilty for asking for what I need. I feel bad asking for what I need. I shut down. I am always crying. I never feel as if I am good enough. I feel that if I don't do what others expect or want they will hate me. I don't ever think seeking out that which I need is a good idea. So I sit and stew and spin into oblivion. I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know why, I just do. A song, a letter, an email, a call, a thought, a word...sends me into a tearful moment. Like a child...

All of these emotions and feeling keep me sick, overweight and down.

Where is that magic pill? I guess it doesn't exist and all I can do is control me